The Big "F" Word

Today was a day.
The Lord tested me, he really tested me, and I passed.
I didn't kill anyone, I didn't yell at anyone, but I learned.

In life I have come to find that there are lessons that can only be learned through good, old-fashioned experience.
Filing your taxes, registering to vote, renting an apartment, buying a car...all things that, through time, are engraved into your memory, thus easily attainable.

Feminism.

Being naturally born with a uterus, one would assume that feminism would be an inevitable truth for my life. Wrong.
I am a human, (a female human, nonetheless) that has struggled to understand the impact of gender inequality my entire life. I grew up in a home that celebrated traditional values--, (which I am utterly grateful for) woman must adhere to "womanly" duties, while it is the man's job to provide for the family. While I had a mother who was able to maintain both work and a beautiful home, those values were still prevalent.

Today was a day.

I was mad today, really, really mad today. I had to face the unavoidable in Monterey County, I had to take my beautiful little white wagon in for a smog check. I was nervous, but the nerves weren't from fear of passing, they were from knowing that from the minute I walked through the doors, my new, 80 pound less, curvy frame was checked out from head to toe by the young man at the counter. I filled out appropriate paperwork, I remained professional, I sat, and I waited--just like the man next to me did.

"Ford Focus, 2003, you're car is done, and unfortunately we had to fail you."

What?

"Yeah, one of your hoses isn't up to par visually, but we put some whiteout on it so you can figure it out. Your total is going to be $50.00,, but I mean, come back and see us and we will give you $10.00 dollars off of your next test." aw, very sweet, I like totallllllly love whiteout, it's bright and shiny.

So, I drove around for twenty minutes, trying to map out a game plan of what I was going to do. I am an intelligent woman, right? I've lived on my own for two years and I haven't messed anything up terribly, right? I mean, there have been times that have been rough, but I can figure this out...right? These are the questions running through my perfectly made up face as I drive around town with not the slightest idea what I am going.

I do the most logical thing, I take my car to a "Smog Repair" shop. smart...right?
The most sweet, and gentle man, (he clearly had daughters) helped me, listened to me, cared. He told me the part that I needed to get, shook his head while telling me repeatedly that I should not have failed smog, (I failed the visual portion) and told me that he would do whatever I needed done for free. wow, this is like soooo much better than whiteout, omg

So, I got it taken care of. I fixed what needed to be done. Not because I am a woman, and not because I know a lot about cars, but because I have my shit together.

I was calm.

I went in again, to have my smog checked....again. This time I wasn't nice, I wasn't sweet, I wasn't the bright vibrant young woman that I usually am. I was assertive and I handled my business by telling them they were wrong to fail me in the first place, and not a single time did they defend their judgment call. I was checked out again, by the whole crew this time.
aw I am like totally flattered, they must really be into me

I passed. It was no surprise, someone surely would have died had I failed again.

"Yeah, you failed again. *Hahaha* I'm just kidding, that'll be $42.00"

Ha. Ha. Ha.

This morning before I left my apartment, I made the conscious decision to take my contacts out and put my glasses back on so that I would "appear" more intelligent.
This morning, I memorized everything I needed to know about my car to ensure a smooth transaction.
This morning, I changed my outfit so my butt wouldn't look to big and "distracting" in a pair of pants.

Then I thought.
I thought about what that experience would have been like if I were a man. I probably would have been able to pass the first time I went in, I surely would not have been checked out nor would I have felt so belittled.
I thought about what that experience would have been like if there was even one female employee present, she surely would not have thought that I was unintelligent for being a woman, nor would she allow me to get ripped off.
I thought about things, and that, not "failing" smog, that made me mad.

I'm not preaching feminism.
I'm not saying all men are chauvinistic pigs.

Because, frankly--they're not.
Am I a feminist? I don't know yet. but I am an advocate for woman.

I am saying, that today I was treated differently because I have a uterus.
I am saying, that now, today, for the very first time in my life I understand the fight towards gender equality.
It matters, it really matters.


I fought to be where I am. I have gone over hurdles. I have worked hard to obtain an education from a state school. I have literally worked my ass off to get healthy. I have built meaningful relationships and connections with people. I have mapped out what my future is going to look like.

Just like the guys next to me.

So, I'll end with this:
What the actual Fuck?



Feminism.

Here's to the Happiest of Holidays...

It's December 20th of 2014, and I am sitting in my living room reminiscing about all of the beautiful moments I have been blessed enough to experience just in this year.

Now, please believe me when I say I had the intentions of mailing a Christmas letter out, but the way my bank account is set up....the odds were not in my favor. So, I will take this oppurtunity to utilize the infallible gift of the internet.

This year has been filled to the brim with fun, adventure, blessings, heartaches, and above all God's grace. As most people know, (I hope!) I made a transition into this big, huge, open world all by my lonesome. I moved to the lively, (among other things) town of Seaside, right outside of Monterey. Nothing had ever brought me near as much humility as when I first saw the sign reading "Seaside...Population 35,000." In the moment, everything I had ever known seemed to be changed in the slightest way.

Moving in was quite the adventure, and if you need to be caught up on that short portion of my year, click here.

My little Seaside apartment is one of my favorite places in this world. It is my own haven to come home to everyday--it is perfect. However, the seven a.m. construction, and washers and dryers always being broken is getting pretty old. However, it is home. My wonderful roommate Dianna is also such a joy;

room·mate

ˈro͞omˌmāt,ˈro͝omˌmāt/

noun

1. Having a sleepover with your best friend.....every night.
2. 
   

Living on my own has opened my eyes to things that I would have usually turned a blind eye to when living under my parent's roof. For example, dishes? I think I will buy paper plates. Lights? Hmmmm....do you really need them to get ready in the morning, because I think that the PG&E bill says otherwise. Laundry? How dirty is that t-shirt actually? These just skim the surface of things that living on my own has changed about me.

My eveg view...

School! What a privilege it is to be here, obtaining an education. Ahhhh! This semester nearly killed me. I enrolled in eighteen units, and thought frequently throughout the semester back to high school, when I thought I knew what a "hard" assignment was. Just to recap my finals week, in total I wrote thirty eight pages worth of essays-OK. I am still alive, I promise. 

Starting at Cal State University Monterey Bay, I knew I was going to be an Elementary Educator-at this time, I also knew everything else in this world that I needed to know-everything. Like most things in life, that ideal, the only thing that I knew for certain going in to college, changed. CSUMB requires that students, both upper and lower division, participate in a "Service Learning" class. So, that is a two to four hour class in addition to 30 cumulative hours in the classroom (for me, as a Liberal Studies major) per semester. The minute I took my first step into the kindergarten classroom, I knew that it was not where I belonged. I was unable to feel connected to the students, had no idea how to even approach the Common Core curriculum, and holding a conversation with someone who is still learning the alphabet is made for people with far more patience and tenacity than I. 

So for three weeks, I sat in the library on campus and went through every career choice that I thought would be suitable for me; and when that got old, I questioned why I came to a University if I had no idea what I wanted to do. So many students struggle with this, and I am sure that even some of my dear home town friends are facing the same struggle. Out of all that confusion and chaos that I seemed to have brought upon myself, I realized that time is going to pass regardless of what major I choose. College is so much more than a piece of paper that you (maybe) get at the end of four years of tireless lectures and redundant essays. College is a journey and if you don't slow down to take it all in, you will miss little moments that can make your life so damn incredible. So, I don't want to teach elementary, but I want to impact peoples lives. I don't know where this leads me right now, but I am going to keep on trudging. 

We are really just that phenomenal. 

On the topic of incredible moments, I was honored enough to become a sister of Theta Alpha Sigma Sorority this past fall. Becoming a part of this sorority has meant the world to me, and I would not trade a single moment of it for anything. My Sisters have provided me a home away from home, and that I will never be able to repay them for. It has been a huge blessing being welcomed so warmly by a group of absolutely incredible women. We are a Catholic (Christian) based sorority and it has been a lot of fun going to new churches around Monterey with my sisters. As well as being a Catholic (Christian) 

sorority, the philanthropy behind Theta Alpha Sigma is Women's Issues. We focus really heavily on domestic violence awareness, as well as many things. This keeps me very involved on campus, and I love being surrounded by a body of like-minded women. It has truly been an experience of a life time!

I am eager to head home and embrace my dear best friends, hold my sweet mother, joke with my sassy sister, and laugh with my dad. In all of this--all of the fun, all of the new adventures that are at my fingertips, all of the scrambling to make Christmas presents from what seems like air, I find it easy to slip and forget the one true reason for Christmas. Without God's grace, I really believe I would not be where I am, and doing as well as I am today. 

I praise God for these moments I am given to live. What a blessing to continuously be having the time of my life.

From my home to yours, I wish you a safe, warm, and blessed Holiday season.

With love,

Jessica

Isaiah 7:14:

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

When #YOLOSWAG Is Just Not Enough

“Being an adult means accepting those situations where no action is possible.” ― John D. MacDonald, The Green Ripper

I just want to start this off by saying that being an adult is REALLY freaking hard. It's something that we spend our whole lives preparing for and it's a fat slap of reality right in the face. It gives life to that idea of the baby bird leaving the nest for the first time, and plummeting straight towards the ground.

So, yes, I have always acted as if I am far beyond my years, but in all actuality I just completed my first "real" week of adulthood. Who in the world would have thought that SO many things could go wrong right in this first week? For starters, a roommate that we thought we had solidified, decided that living on her own was just not in the cards for her quite yet--which I get! Yes. I get that moving away from home--leaving friends/boyfriends/family/pets/free rent--is really difficult, but seriously, are.you.kidding. All is well, we've found a new roommate; I am bound to be stress-free now. Haha! Well played life. Adult life is still freaking hard.

 Nearing 12 hours later, my new little Ford Focus Wagon had nothing short of a full blown mental break down. For those who know me well, it is common knowledge that I am no mechanic, so nonetheless, I too had a justifiable freak-out. With a little love from a local repair shop, my sweet little car was up and running again with a small price tag of $630.00. This swipe of my debit card was particularly difficult-I mean, whats a month and a half of rent? Being and adult is still really freaking hard. But hey, look how cute I look with this car, am I right?

And as much as I would love to go off on a rant regarding those money sucking sloths the university, I live in one of the most beautiful places in California....where I have indeed found that being an adult is, if I haven't made it clear, really freaking hard.

It is so funny how in the midst of our own worldly struggles we seem to always forget one thing, and that is that we serve an incredibly faithful God. In the midst of struggle and chaos it is such a breath of fresh air knowing that at the end of the day, the creator of the earth and all of the heavens is guiding me and leading me to where I am meant to be.

God loves you more in a moment than anyone could in an entire lifetime.

 Now, don't get me wrong. I am in no delusion that God is going to freely hand me things in life, (even thought that would be totally awesome if He ever felt like it). But what a phenomenal feeling to know that even when I think I am alone, I have a whisper in my ear telling me that I am not.

YES. Being an adult is super-duper, unbelievably freaking difficult, but in the end, most of us make it out alive. And yes, I miss my beautiful family, my wonderful friends, and the absolute convenience of not having responsibility, but how cool is it to know that I still have that beautiful family, and at the same time I am growing my beautiful friends are growing too. And most importantly, I am so grateful for not having the convenience of irresponsibility anymore because, hooray!, I made it to adulthood; I did it.

What a life I get to live, when #YOLOSWAG is just not enough anymore. Because every decision I make from here on out is either going to help me reach my goals, or it's not.

To my college friends,(and friends figuring out life); you are going to be fine, I am SO proud/excited for all of you and can not wait to see where you all end up.

I love this crazy, beautiful mess I have gotten myself into.

God bless-
Jessica

Tips From a Fat Girl Running

Alright, so Sunday I finished my last "long" training run before the California International Marathon next weekend-I know, how time flies! I am partially terrified and partially...well, terrified. Something about last weekend's run really impacted me and it has taken a day or so of mauling over to pinpoint what it was that moved me. I am 17 years old, and I am running a FULL marathon-I am a bad ass. I look back to where I started and can't believe the progress that I have made. I remember training for my first 5K and being overtaken by doubt when it came to a mile-long training run. Yet, here I am running a marathon. Hmm. Food for thought. We all start somewhere.

Anyways, here it is kids.

1) Always know where you are going. I can tell you right now, that if I don't have my run mapped out from start to finish, there is a 99.9% chance I will NOT finish the distance I was supposed to achieve-I gaurentee. Take 10 minutes the night before and get your crap together.

2) Know what foods work for you before/during your run. I can not tell you how many times I have seen the concept of "carb-loading" misconstrued into a binge of eating loaves of bread and pounds of pasta--this is nonsense. Now, for some people, (and by some people I am talking about the sub 5 minute/mile runners...yikes! I am going to get bit in the butt for that one) this may be just the trick. However, this has never been the case for me. I really enjoy carb-loading, (who doesn't) but I do my best to stick with complex carbohydrates found in things such as peanut butter, yams, sweet potatoes etc..Nothing is worse than going on your long run feeling heavy from your last meal. I also like to make sure that I sneak in a quick bite about an hour before my long runs, (oatmeal, cliff bar-you get the point) and I always pack away either half of a pb&j, a granola bar-or something of that nature, so I can snack in the middle of my long runs. Do not, I repeat-DO NOT try new things on your long-long runs. It is almost always a guarantee that when you try a new product (gu's, blocks, beans etc..) during your long runs, the bathrooms seem to mysteriously grow further and further apart-if you catch my drift. Try new products on your shorter runs.

3) Look at where you are running. I know, you're reading this thinking "well, duh Jessica." However, I can not tell you how many times I have near broken my ankle on the trails. It is better to look at the ground once and a while to make sure you aren't about to eat the trail-just some personal advice.

4) Avoid asphalt as much as possible. I have always been a huge fan of running strictly on the asphalt and usually ignored others when they advised me to ditch the asphalt and hit the dirt. Let me tell you, I should have listened. My knees, hips, and ankles are all yelling at me now. So, in conclusion, when you go to the bike trail, opt for the dirt path right next to your good friend asphalt, (such a back-stabber!). 

5) Run where there is people. Okay, yes, it is good to stay away from where the creepy people are, but this isn't my point. Running where there are people that can see you will motivate you to keep going. It is our inevitable sense of human nature that wants to protect our ego and pride-so take advantage of it. Yes-you will probably be slightly more fatigued, but what a great way to get training in. Peer pressure will do the trick-forget what your teachers taught you!

6) Push yourself, but don't break yourself. Oh my goodness-do I believe in pushing myself...good grief, I am running a marathon, duh! One of the biggest boo-boos I made during my CIM training was running on my bum knee...needless to say it became this way by-you guessed it! Running. Push yourself, but feel good being gentle to yourself and your temple. You are human, not the Hulk. If you are injured-take it easy! Take care of your personal home. It is the only one you have and you can't sell it!

7) Don't compare yourself to others. I throw myself a personal pity-party each and every time a runner passes me. I do. It is only when I am finished with my run that I realize how ridiculous it is to do such a thing. You are your own worst critic. You are kicking the butt's of every person sitting on the couch. OWN YOUR RUN. Everyone starts somewhere, (I can not say that enough).
8) Find a reason. Yes, I know this is cheesy, but I am not kidding. It took me until my parents divorce to realize why I run. For that two and a half/three hour run every Sunday, I am not Wendy's-I am not Gary's. I have total and complete control over myself and my life for that short amount of time, and that is enough to get me out the door at 6:45 every Sunday. Find your reason--don't roll your eyes, go do it.
9) Don't go for a run without water. I am a total stickler on this one. I don't care if I am going for 1 mile or for 18 miles-I always bring water. There is something comforting about being able to hydrate yourself immediately and not having to wait for 2 miles for the nearest fountain. You will thank me for this one.
10) Use a running watch/interval timer. I am all about running until I feel tired and then walking. However, I find that I am more consistent with that tiny bit of accountability. Even though it may be more convenient to "free run" and walk when tired,you will benefit so much more from the interval training.

So that's my narrow insight on running. My dog is driving me absolutely insane, so I will leave you with that. Do with it what you will!
Oh, and also I am down 27.5 pounds since I posted last. Go me.

God Bless-
Jessica

What the Hell

Wow.
What a start to my LAST year of high school. For those who know me closely-or not so closely, it has been announced that my parents filed for divorce on my first day of Senior year. Needless to say, my year has been unfathomably awful. With falling outs with several friends, bitterness growing and life that seems to never give me a break-I am SO. TIRED. Physically, mentally emotionally. Yes, my life indeed, SUCKS. However, through the eyes of God's unceasing mercy, I have become more conscious of things in life that 1) Don't matter and 2) DO matter.

In retrospect, I have been blessed abundantly. The first blessing being that my mom and I were able to find a home that is the ideal place to heal. I see my father frequently-(just to clear that up!) 

Our new view, and place of healing.

 My employment at Sweetie Pie's has been both a blessing and massive learning experience. How so-you may ask. Let me tell you, nothing can undermine the wrath of hungry people that have to wait an hour to be seated at the busiest restaurant in town. It's great food-what can I say? At the same time, God is working in the hearts and minds of near all the employees of Sweetie Pie's. He sure works in mysterious ways. Have I mentioned I am exhausted?

I have felt little support from relationships that I had huge hope in and have felt myself extremely disappointed. While at the same time, I have met people this year that I feel will stay in my life if not for a short while. I am barely hanging on knowing that at one point all the things that I did that I feel emotionless for now are what made me happy then. So, what matters in life? Because at one instance I want to say that how I am feeling and how everything negative occurring in my life actually matters-but it doesn't.

These my friends are what I would like to label as 'First World Problems'. If you don't have at least ten of these in your life-it's okay, feel free to lie to yourself. My heart hurts and it is extremely heavy. I have an unfathomable sadness that is eating me away every.single.day. But I was granted the grace to wake up this morning. Even though at times Heaven sounds like an extraordinary escape route-I know that there is a reason I am here. To accomplish heroic deeds? Feed starving children around the globe? Or just a passer by in God's plan to spread is abiding love. Who.Really.Knows.




I have gained so much weight from emotional eating that I eat to suppress my feelings of sadness about it-where is the logic? My ONLY saving grace-health wise, is my running. Did I mention that I a running a full marathon in December? The California International Marathon-good golly, what have I done? This is a positive in my life and I praise JESUS for giving me a healthy body to run in. I also, by the grace of dear family friends, am participating in the Nike Women's Half Marathon-cool! The half is not too far off-October 20th. What an incredible blessing.

My eating is all over the place-some days you may think I am a health guru, other days the face of obesity. Lately, I have been on a (modified-ahh!) Paleo kick. Ground turkey, fresh veggies and spring water is what you will catch me with for lunch. Special K is my GO TO for breakfast-it said I could lose 2 pounds in two weeks. I guess that only works if you don't eat the entire box in one sitting-oops!! Summer is coming to and end and let me tell you-I am going to really, really miss fresh, organic tomatoes and sweet nectarines. (yum!) But really, my "healthy/active lifestyle" is enough to make me cry right now. I will keep you posted.

Cooper on one of our 6-milers

My Cooper Bentley, (my daring and sweet coon-hound fur-child) is so fun-SO massive, but so fun. 70.5 lbs...what happened to my little guy? He is really, truly my saving grace. I believe he is an angel sent directly from God himself just to let me know that not all things in life suck. Coop is one of my many blessings.

I just recently had Senior Portraits done by a dear friend of mine-Sarah Cain of Heracain Productions. She is nothing short of brilliant, if you have a wedding, engagement, graduation, pregnancy, bar mitzvah-WHATEVER,
call Sarah. She is wonderful.

We're going to be OK kids! No worries. But seriously, what the hell.

God Bless-
Jessica